I ate less, drank less, and breathed lesser. I shrank, my body was shrinking, and didn't occupy too much space.
I tried to occupy space differently. I danced in a room full of people. I got on to my tippy-toe and tried a pirouette, only to fall hard to the floor. When I opened my eyes, I was all alone.
I got a new haircut, I talked more and loudly and smiled too much for my own good. Some people saw through me. But I didn't let the ones who really mattered see. I wanted to not exist. I tried folding my limbs into myself, curling into the smallest ball I could - it was pretty small. I slept in a fetal position every night, and occupied barely one-fourth of a double bed.
It wasn't just that, though. It was more of - invisibility. I thought I spoke out loud to deaf ears, and smiled and waved my hands around infront of eyes which weren't caught by anything I did. So it just got worse, I shrank further, into myself. It became a period of questioning - do I matter? how much space do I really occupy in this universe? I'm 19. I'm a woman. I'm 5 feet barely 1 inch. I'm dark. I weigh 46 kilograms. I look like a schoolgirl rather than the undergrad student that I am. What significance could I possibly have?
Worst of all - Has my entire life been an exercise in getting the attention that someone like me could never get otherwise?
I pulled out of it, though. I don't think I've ever been fully happy again, but atleast I stopped questioning.
Then I saw this today,
(from here.)
[I don't mind being heavy.
People are far more willing to listen to me at a size 14
than at a size 6]
and I'm left wondering, is this what I need?
