I haven't let go of my anger, sadly. I'm just balling it up, smaller and tighter and harder, and pushing it inside a dark shelf that I only know by touch, one I've never seen the back of. It's full of things like those, anyway.
It's just no use to be angry. Why have standards, or expectations? It's stupid to have those from people you know too well, anyway. It maybe love or resignation or acceptance, but why bother getting worked up over an incident or reaction or situation that was anticipated really, one that you knew was coming. Indeed. It saves you those moments of gut bursting anger, annoyance and disappointment - illnevergetwhatiwantaslongasyourearoundyoudontunderstandWHATTHEHELLyounevercaredwhatithoughtanyway. It's probably good for your health in the long run. I know it's been good for mine, and my interpersonal relationships too.
Maybe it won't do me any good to try and fight back. There is relief at the end of this surrender. I'd ball myself up too, curl up and tuck myself into a dusty corner where no one would notice or care, but on my good days, I embrace life. I'd embrace, but not fight back, which is rather overrated. Where and who says that I need to scream and yell and kick and scratch to get what I need? I'm tired of fortifying myself and holding it up and letting imaginary cares lean on me. Maybe I wasn't strong enough to fight in the first place, and it is a losing battle. I want to give in and surrender so badly.
It's almost a hellhole sometimes. Sometimes, I don't know what I really need.
Just another year, and then I'll be out of here. Then I'll take a week off to let it all out, let it all go to hell, and then get back and stitch myself back together.
3/30/2008
3/04/2008
i keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I can't believe I'd never heard Johnny Cash before. To be more specific, I walk the line
~
Today was the birthday of a dear friend, and she puts up too many walls around her heart. Keeps a close watch, indeed. She says it's because she's not sure she can give back the love she receives from her friend. I disagree- I think it's because she's not sure she can take the love we give her.
Read this, and come to think of it, how many people go through life thinking they don't deserve all that they have? What could be more debilitating than such self-doubt, I wonder. Its worse because the people I have in mind are good people, the kind that send out goodness into the world from a genuine sense of comes-from-within. It takes guts to be nice to people, and think well of people and things before making judgements. It takes guts to be an optimist, because it's so easy to not be one. In some senses, the nice people I know are the ones who are either very, very comfortable with who they are; or desperately grasping from some meaning in their life; or sometimes they're both.
I don't mean this to be an everyone-open-your-heart-let's-live-life-full-of-love post. Maybe its a plea for good people to breathe more freely. It's not fair that its they who live with a stone on their back.
~
I walk the line. I've never taken country music seriously. The song in question starts out with these honky-tonk strains that I think, seriously? And then he hums, and then he sings, and I think oh shit I KNOW what he's talking about. Simple words and simple rhymes and he spells out, what sounds to me, something far more deep and convoluted than a long-distance love.
Love was never as simple as a Backstreet Boys song, was it? Or as twisted and hurty as a Damien Rice song? On the double planed spectrum of puppy to tragic, how will love come to me? Maybe quietly and sweetly like a Jack Johnson song. Or psychedelic-ly like a Beatles song. Or lush and aching like an Aqualung song. I wonder.
As sure as night is dark and the day is light...
~
A birthday wish for my beautiful friend of fluttery hand gestures and long eyelashes and short truncated laughs. Don't be afraid to claim your due, ever. I hope we made you so happy today that its made up for all the shit of the past few months.
~
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine,
I walk the line
~
Today was the birthday of a dear friend, and she puts up too many walls around her heart. Keeps a close watch, indeed. She says it's because she's not sure she can give back the love she receives from her friend. I disagree- I think it's because she's not sure she can take the love we give her.
Read this, and come to think of it, how many people go through life thinking they don't deserve all that they have? What could be more debilitating than such self-doubt, I wonder. Its worse because the people I have in mind are good people, the kind that send out goodness into the world from a genuine sense of comes-from-within. It takes guts to be nice to people, and think well of people and things before making judgements. It takes guts to be an optimist, because it's so easy to not be one. In some senses, the nice people I know are the ones who are either very, very comfortable with who they are; or desperately grasping from some meaning in their life; or sometimes they're both.
I don't mean this to be an everyone-open-your-heart-let's-live-life-full-of-love post. Maybe its a plea for good people to breathe more freely. It's not fair that its they who live with a stone on their back.
~
I walk the line. I've never taken country music seriously. The song in question starts out with these honky-tonk strains that I think, seriously? And then he hums, and then he sings, and I think oh shit I KNOW what he's talking about. Simple words and simple rhymes and he spells out, what sounds to me, something far more deep and convoluted than a long-distance love.
Love was never as simple as a Backstreet Boys song, was it? Or as twisted and hurty as a Damien Rice song? On the double planed spectrum of puppy to tragic, how will love come to me? Maybe quietly and sweetly like a Jack Johnson song. Or psychedelic-ly like a Beatles song. Or lush and aching like an Aqualung song. I wonder.
As sure as night is dark and the day is light...
~
A birthday wish for my beautiful friend of fluttery hand gestures and long eyelashes and short truncated laughs. Don't be afraid to claim your due, ever. I hope we made you so happy today that its made up for all the shit of the past few months.
~
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine,
I walk the line
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