at night i trip without you, and hope that i don't wake up

I haven't let go of my anger, sadly. I'm just balling it up, smaller and tighter and harder, and pushing it inside a dark shelf that I only know by touch, one I've never seen the back of. It's full of things like those, anyway.

It's just no use to be angry. Why have standards, or expectations? It's stupid to have those from people you know too well, anyway. It maybe love or resignation or acceptance, but why bother getting worked up over an incident or reaction or situation that was anticipated really, one that you knew was coming. Indeed. It saves you those moments of gut bursting anger, annoyance and disappointment - illnevergetwhatiwantaslongasyourearoundyoudontunderstandWHATTHEHELLyounevercaredwhatithoughtanyway. It's probably good for your health in the long run. I know it's been good for mine, and my interpersonal relationships too.

Maybe it won't do me any good to try and fight back. There is relief at the end of this surrender. I'd ball myself up too, curl up and tuck myself into a dusty corner where no one would notice or care, but on my good days, I embrace life. I'd embrace, but not fight back, which is rather overrated. Where and who says that I need to scream and yell and kick and scratch to get what I need? I'm tired of fortifying myself and holding it up and letting imaginary cares lean on me. Maybe I wasn't strong enough to fight in the first place, and it is a losing battle. I want to give in and surrender so badly.

It's almost a hellhole sometimes. Sometimes, I don't know what I really need.

Just another year, and then I'll be out of here. Then I'll take a week off to let it all out, let it all go to hell, and then get back and stitch myself back together.